I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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