Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I party with great urgency now.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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