being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
