So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
