Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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