it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
