The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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