mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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