All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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