I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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