So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
