Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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