Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
