he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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