Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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