Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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