if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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