A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
