Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
