and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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