the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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