ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
