I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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