why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
