New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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