i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
