Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Found the puke drawer
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dear god my vagina.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
