Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
