I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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