I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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