I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
