Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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