Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
