Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
