My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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