i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
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I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
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I can't put those talents on a resume
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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