chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
