he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
