why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
