Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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