ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
