i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
