pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
