I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm sobbing to NWA
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize