New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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