and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
