I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Found your dick twin last night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
