Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
