i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
