goodnight i made you a song goodbye
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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