It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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