I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
