You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
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There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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