I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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