Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think my fart just growled at me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
